Risque Redux: A Side Story
by lark lavroc
Summary: An ongoing crackfic where in Sasuke learns the inner workings of the Pervert Hood. Shounenai. [Future SasuNaru].
1. 1

  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.  
  
**A/N: **This was inspired by **Moerae's** _Risque_, a hee-worthy SasuNaru WIP. It's a bit like a series of side story drabbles kinda thing, and you'll probably need to read _Risque_ to understand the whole joke/concept, but otherwise this is set in a diverging timeline and it won't incorporate too much of original's elements.

* * *

"Sasuke," Kakashi said solemnly. "I will now officially accept your membership into Pervert Hood, the one and only club where members can be as perverted as they like. Now, I know it is a bit of a surprise -- and if I do say so myself, the Pervert Hood doesn't just take in any members. Those who do get in are a very special kind of pervert. A rare breed, in this world of morally minded people." He shook his head with a sigh.  
  
Sasuke stood stock still, jaw not quite dropping open but close enough to give the image of absolute and utter shock. His body wouldn't move, no matter how many times Sasuke's brain would fire off tiny burst of run-like-hell commands, and he couldn't speak. His mouth wouldn't even close let alone protest in outrage to Kakashi.  
  
Words wanted to slip out -- "I'm not a pervert, dammit" and "the hell?" were very close favourites -- but before he could even gain back his much needed control over his paralysed body, Kakashi continued his speech. Sasuke had a wild feeling that Kakashi wouldn't stop until he finished that blasted speech.  
  
"These morally minded people have to be reminded about the pleasures of the world. They are very, very poor indeed, not having read great classical books such as these," he took a moment to pat his pocket fondly and then continued, "and I have very little hope that they would have indulged in such wonderful activities as us. Right, Sasuke?"  
  
Was it his imagination or did Kakashi just wink at him? Sasuke shuddered and backed a few steps, already eyeing his surroundings for the perfect escape. Kakashi had gone mad; absolutely crazy. Sasuke had always suspected the Jounin was out of his mind, and now he knew. Oh he defintely knew. Somehow, it didn't surprise him that reading perverted books had twisted Kakashi into the insane person he appeared to be now. No, it didn't. Sasuke nodded to himself. Then he stopped, dark eyes growing wider by the second as Kakashi gave him a pleased grin.  
  
"Well, well," a deep bellow rang out in the silent clearing. "Looks like our new member is settling in nicely."  
  
Sasuked whirled around and faced Jiraiya, who was moving gracefully out of the bushes he was hiding in. Again, Sasuke found his mouth opening and closing in shock while he speechlessly looked from Kakashi to Jiraiya and Jiraiya to Kakashi.  
  
"Congratulations, Sasuke. Welcome to the Pervert Hood." Jiraiya clapped Sasuke's back heartily. "Why, even I wasn't in the Pervert Hood until I was at least five years older than you are now," he said seriously, leaning close to Sasuke, "You have the potential to be a great Pervert, Sasuke. We will teach you our ways and -- "  
  
Sasuke ran for his life.  
  



	2. 2

**Disclaimer:** Don't own, so don't sue. I'm not creative enough to create Naruto.  
  
**AN**: Heh. I'm glad everyone enjoyed the first drabble. Recently discovered how writing drabbles can be so fun, so now I'm thinking I might make a habit of it.  
  
Actually, this is series of drabbles, which means that I will be continuing on, **sylver rain**. Ebisu will be making an appearance, **Yum**; whether as a member, I'm not saying just yet. ;-) I sometimes do wonder as well, **Yaoilover S**. Maybe someone will eventually start one.  
  
Thanks to everyone for the feedback -- it's good to know the Pervert Hood has been received with open arms; Kakashi and Jiraiya are very pleased.  
  
**Moe**, of course you can have a membership card. Why, in fact, you can have a copy of all of Sasuke's 'goodies' that Kakashi hasn't given him yet since you're beta-ing all my drabbles. Fun times ahead. Fun times ahead.

* * *

"We really should stop letting our members escape," Jiraiya said with a small frown. "It's annoying trying to track them down."  
  
"Well, it's not really our fault they run away screaming. Remember Hinata? We had to spend weeks trying to track her down. A pretty shy girl, though, she'd make a great spy. I give her points for using her Byakugan to her advantage."  
  
"In more ways than one, you mean." Jiraiya smirked and felt a tinge of envy for the greatness of the Byakugan. With the Byakugan, he could see everything without hiding in those pesky bushes that always manage to prick him with their bristling branches every single damn time he watched the naked young women frolicking. It was as if the whole world was against him.   
  
Kakashi nodded and uncrossed his arms. "I say we start tracking Sasuke down now. It won't be long before he tires and if we catch him quick, we can start the ceremony a day early. I say Sasuke wouldn't have ran if he'd had known what kind of goodies were in store for him."  
  
Jiraiya nodded in agreement and they both turned towards the brown sack that had gone unnoticed during the official welcome to Sasuke. With careless grace, Kakashi disappeared and reappeared next to the sack, picking it up in one swoop and throwing it over his back.  
  
"Shall we?"  
  
"We shall," Jiraiya said, grinning in anticipation. While escapee members were annoying, the chase wasn't really; it was a great way to exercise his Shinobi skills and mercilessly tease Sasuke at the same time. Hinata had been a fun one to tease. She had gone red almost instantaneously.  
  
Still, the girl was an admirable pervert, he thought, though Jiraiya was still puzzled to the charms surrounding his sort-of student. Naruto had been gorgeous as a girl, but in his male form? Jiraiya saw no appeal.  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Sasuke's apartment of course," Kakashi responded smoothly, one hand pulling on the sack while the other had picked up his book.  
  
"This is a good scene," he said appreciatively.  
  
"Thanks." Jiraiya felt a small thrill at the praise. Such was the reward for all his hard work, his perving, his countless hours huddled within some bushes, fighting off annoying insects and protruding branches, risking his own body and mind in order to find young, nubile inspirations. It was reward indeed.  
  



	3. 3

**Disclaimer:** Same as usual. Me no own.

**A/N**: So here's the third drabble…the fourth is coming along…slowly. Thanks to **Yuen-chan**, **Yaoilover**, **Dark Mimiru**, and **Yum** for the comments. I do have one request though, and I hope nobody minds; can 'update soon!' be left out of the reviews? I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I'm stressed right now with finals and everything, and every time I see 'update soon!', it sounds more and more demanding. I feel as if I'm being forced to write, and that's making me tired and weary.

On another note, yep, I will still continue the drabbles until I run out of ideas or **Moe** stops inspiring me. Also, thanks to that person who reminded me about the bag of goodies. cough . I need to go back to that in the fourth drabble. And don't worry, **Moe**. I'll be happy to slap you silly. ;-)

* * *

"That's very cute," Kakashi commented from his upside down position. Jiraiya just snickered next to him, a broad leer threatening to appear.

"Cute? Oh yes. Isn't it cute that our new member is such a quick learner? Not a day has passed and already he's gotten into Naruto's pants."

"He's always been an overachiever, that Sasuke," Kakashi nodded in perfect agreement. It wasn't often they agreed on anything other than the Pervert Hood.

"I wonder..."

Tilting his head a little, Kakashi eyed the two cuddling figures on Sasuke's cosy bed. They were sleeping soundlessly when Kakashi and Jiraiya had arrived at Sasuke's apartment, and remained so while Kakashi and Jiraiya spied on them. A part of him disapproved of their nonchalance and disparity as future Shinobi -- no one person should be so casual (especially) during their most unguarded hours, but another part of him was cheering; after all, he and Jiraiya were very skilled Shinobi -- wasn't it reasonable that Sasuke wouldn't be aware of their spying? Naruto, on the other hand, Kakashi wasn't too concerned about. Naruto wasn't the most alert of his students though he definitely had the most Chakra; he had no doubt if a problematic situation arose Naruto would simply blast away his attackers.

And perhaps, another, by far the largest, part of him was silently cheering and egging on his students. No sensei should be so interfering in his students' love lives but Kakashi had long since discarded the boundary of privacy when it concerned Sasuke and Naruto. Their relationship had been as obvious as Kakashi's love for his books, and most likely just as heated. He hid a smile.

"Think we should wait for them to wake up?" Jiraiya asked, scratching his head a little.

Kakashi shrugged.

"If you don't mind the boredom."

"Well, if it gets too stale I'll just wake them up." Kakashi didn't have to look at his fellow Pervert to know that Jiraiya was rubbing his hands in glee.

"That'll teach Naruto," he muttered under his breath, and Kakashi had to raise an eyebrow.

"Something I should know about?" Kakashi asked.

"No, but I'll tell you anyway. That brat had the nerve to accuse me of spying on him! As if. I don't go for that sort of thing, you know."

Nodding sympathetically, Kakashi turned his attention away from Jiraiya's incensed mumbling and focussed it back on the two on the bed. Sasuke had been burrowing further and further into Naruto's neck, pressing his face so deeply that Kakashi wondered if Naruto would find an imprint once he woke up. Not that Naruto minded much, Kakashi smiled underneath his mask, from the way he was snuggling back like he had found the perfect teddy to wrap around at last. He thought they were very cute.

If Kakashi had blinked just then, he would have missed the tiny pebble that flew right through the slitted window that somehow Jiraiya had opened, and bounced on Sasuke's forehead.

He heard whispered curses from Jiraiya's corner, "Damn. Missed," and watched with increasing amusement as Sasuke woke with a start and rubbed his head in confusion. Even more entertaining was the way Sasuke had stilled once he discovered company beside him, and the horrified expression that replaced his usual tough-as-nails sneer. It was an absolute riot, watching Sasuke turn slowly towards Naruto, panicking upon seeing the familiar face of face, and then, in a shocking turn of events, kick Naruto right off the bed.

"Uhh! You jerk -- what the hell?!" Naruto began his outraged rant, only to stop in puzzlement as Sasuke disappeared right into the bathroom. He got up, rubbing his behind angrily, and stomped his way there himself. He began banging on the door incessantly with both fists.

"You bastard! What the hell did you do that for?! What? You can't share your bed properly? I'm not goddamn sleeping with you again, you hear me!" Naruto wasn't quite yelling, but to Kakashi, he might as well as have yelled at the top of his lungs; it was that loud.

He winced, but most of his control was spent in holding back peals of laughter. Jiraiya was suffering the same ailment next to him as his shoulders shook.

"Poor Sasuke. How's he gonna get into Naruto's pants now?" Jiraiya snickered.

Kakashi shrugged. "What makes you think Naruto won't give in first and rip Sasuke's clothes off?"

Jiraiya twitched slightly.

"I didn't need that image."

Kakashi just shrugged again as Naruto yelled about beds and bastards and bastards who were stupid jerks for not sharing their beds properly.


	4. 4

**Disclaimer**: Don't own Naruto - never will. If I did, you would be able to tell by the sheer amount of kissing Sasuke and Naruto will be engaged in.

**A/N: **Many thanks to **Moe** for the beta -- however, no thanks for the capped 'update soon' currently on my screen. Swell. I'd also say that if you would only stop the rewriting, you'd get something out too. Oh, and before I forget, the original _Risque_ will be updated by the end of this year, people. That's all I'm saying –- go complain to **Moe **if it doesn't happen.

And that is revenge. Someday, I'll also do the 'update soon' on one of your fics. Someday.

* * *

"Look, I'll treat you to ramen," Sasuke blurted out, interrupting Naruto's still angry tirade; he didn't want to -- hell, it wasn't like he had spare cash to spend -- but Naruto wouldn't let up, and Sasuke desperately needed to run away. Far, far away where he could huddle into a small ball and pretend his life wasn't run by mad, perverted people. People who were supposed to be the best at what they do, the best in their village, but only seemed to give the impression that they were simply lecherous men with nothing better to do than be perverted.

"Okay!" Naruto said, a gleam in his blue eyes. He was rubbing his hands in glee, mouth stretched into a wide grin, and he was nearly bouncing up and down, anger forgotten.

Sasuke warily stepped back and regretted making an offer he knew better to make. From the way Naruto was chortling, Sasuke had a feeling he was going to spend more money than he had at the moment, and that Naruto was going to make the whole experience miserable. Sasuke wasn't quite forgiven yet, he knew Naruto much better than that, but at the moment, there wasn't a whole lot he could do to defend himself. Clutched in his hand, was a letter scrawled by Kakashi's loopy writing; one that he didn't want Naruto to know. Definitely not, because how in hell was he going to explain? Oh, I'm part of the Pervert Hood you see. Kakashi and Jiraiya forced me to join when they discovered me spying on you while you were bathing, and thought I was a welcome addition. And then he would have to shield his ears and duck because Naruto was going to scream like a girl, and then pluck out his eyes before strangling him to death.

Not a good ending, so he had to excuse himself; he had to somehow lose Naruto.

"Fine." Sasuke nodded and tried to slip away. "I'll meet you at the ramen stand...tomorrow night."

"Huh? Why not tonight? Are you trying to cheat me?"

Damn. And Sasuke had nearly escaped too.

"Um. Plans. Training. Have to go now."

Sasuke ran as fast as he could and felt extremely annoyed that he had to run in the first place. Stupid people. Why were they always trying to make his life a living, hell-like misery? Why must he suffer? First, he was forced to join some group that he didn't belong in (he wasn't a pervert damn it; he just saw Naruto naked by accident). Second, Jiraiya and Kakashi wouldn't leave him alone. No, they just had to follow him home, spy on him just when he had stupidly offered Naruto shelter, and then leered at the fact that Sasuke only had one bed. One bed, which had to be shared. He gritted his teeth. This was bad considering the fact that not only were they under the wrong impression (and they were very, very wrong), but that Jiraiya actually congratulated him on _a job well done_.

He took deep calming breaths and tried to destroy the note they left behind. Once upon a distant time, he would have thought getting praise from one of the three Sannin was a great accomplishment, once upon a distant time, when he was naïve and innocent, he would have felt great pride in Jiraiya's complimentary words. Once upon a distant time. Not so now, when he had gotten to know the man and agreed with Naruto's aptly-put words. Perverted hermit. Oh yes, Jiraiya was a perverted hermit. Kakashi too. And now they were both plotting his demise into pervert-hood, which Sasuke thought was useless because he was stronger than that. Infinitely stronger than that. No, Uchiha Sasuke was not going to turn into another Jiraiya or Kakashi, great Sannin and genius shinobi or not.

* * *

Thanks to everybody for the reviews. And thank you, **ChibiHarika**, for understanding. ;-) I'll try to make sure the drabbles keep on coming, which shouldn't be too hard considering the fact that I've been bitten by the drabble bug. 


	5. 5

**Disclaimer**: Don't own _Naruto,_ don't own Sasuke -- no matter how much I'd like to. This is just for my own amusement; no profit is made.  
**  
A/N**: Um. Yeah. I don't know what happened here. I'm just as baffled as you guys probably are... but yes. I actually wrote. Not only that, I'm updating this -- which is shocking as I haven't updated anything since last year. So, uh, enjoy? It must be the exam induced insanity.

Also, thanks for the comments! I am always appreciative of feedback. ;)

And of course, a thank you to **Moe** for the quick look-over. My typos must be eliminated.

**Completed**: 7 November 2005

* * *

Sasuke looked around him, his expression caught between wide-eyed bafflement and stunned disbelief. Here, encircling the fire created by Kakashi, who wanted _atmosphere_, sat the members of the Pervert Hood. Some looked proud and leering, which made Sasuke nauseous; others just looked _red_ -- poor Hinata; no doubt Kakashi or Jiraiya dragged her blushing and stammering into the club -- and a couple just looked dazed.  
_  
Poor bastard_, Sasuke thought as he took a closer look at Neji. He was looking a tad too pale even for his usually milk-white complexion, and if one was paying more attention, his left eyebrow was twitching every second or so.

Before Sasuke could contemplate Neji's mental health and being, Kakashi appeared dramatically with smoke curling around his limbs much too elegantly for someone who was as dirty minded as Kakashi had shown himself to be.  
_  
Show-off. First he and Jiraiya tries to kill me by dragging me into pervertism -- and now I can't even train! Meeting this and we have a surprise for you that -- well, he can shove it up his ass for all I care. _

Sasuke blinked and then another thought entered his mind: _he'd probably enjoy that._ Immediately, Sasuke started choking.

He was going to be sick. He was going to _die_. No, he was going to throw up first and then die in the puddle of his own vomit.

Damn Kakashi and his ass.

And he really, really didn't need a visual of that to enter his mind at the moment.

He shuddered and choked some more, and then a large hand pounded on his back until he was bent over and trying shove away the enthusiastic (_too_ enthusiastic) arm.

"Stop! Just -- " Sasuke coughed, "Stop. That. I," Sasuke coughed again and moved away from Jiraiya whose eyes were slitted in a look Sasuke had seen on Naruto's face many times. Yes, that was indeed the look Naruto got when he was being particularly gleeful, often when he had some nefarious prank up his sleeve.

"You!" Sasuke sputtered, trying to catch his breath while slowly stepping away from the long-haired pervert freak who was trying to pound his face into the dirt.

"What? I thought you needed a helping hand." Jiraiya shrugged, sniffing delicately. "Brats these days, no respect. No appreciation for the help of their respected, famous elders. What has the world come to?"

Sasuke twitched. He'd finally caught his breath, with no help from Jiraiya, and now the old hermit was trying to take credit for something he _didn't even do_? Sasuke had a feeling he was going to go insane -- he was sure that given enough time, he would snap and start a homicidal rampage. 

He took deep, calming breaths -- _killing is bad. Killing will get you in trouble with the Fifth. Killing will stain your clothes and getting blood stains out _suck_.  
_  
So. No killing. Sasuke was about to walk over to an oak tree and lean on it (because he was getting tired and lazy) when Kakashi clapped his hands twice and said, "Ahem. Welcome to our monthly Pervert Hood meeting. I know you're all excited to be here -- Ebisu especially, since he looks very orgasmic -- but, um, what was my point? Oh, yes. Ahem. That's right. We're here to introduce our newest member of our club -- Sasuke. Please all welcome him with pervertedness and share all our perverted goods. Well. Most of them anyway. Remember our hygiene rules, okay?"

Kakashi beamed.

Jiraiya nodded proudly with each sentence.

Sasuke wanted to die and then reincarnate and kill them all before he died again. He also wanted to pretend Kakashi had never said anything about the hygiene rules, because -- because -- Sasuke shuddered. No. That was too disturbing to contemplate. And by all holy and true, he was _not_ going to contemplate it.

No.

_No._

Oh, hell.


	6. 6

**Disclaimer:** Same as previous. Have nothing to do with the ownership of Naruto -- if I had, well, there would be canon SasuNaru, dammit!  
**  
A/N:** So...another piece. I should probably give up and just call this my on-going crack fic. I didn't have plans to write this, but apparently my muse had a different idea. As did **Moerae**, who was not entirely blameless. But thanks for beta-ing!

* * *

Not too long ago, if someone had asked Sasuke what hell was, he would have told them to shut the hell up because he'd show them _hell_. Now, if someone was going to ask that very same question, then Sasuke would have a very different answer -- an answer containing the very fundamentals of _pervertism_, Kakashi, Jiraiya, and the Pervert Hood. Specifically, the Pervert Hood meetings.

He stared blankly as Kakashi continued his -- his _perverted lectures_. What the fuck? There were _actually_ lectures on being perverted? And Kakashi had somehow found time in between missions, teaching them to be Good (sort of, if they didn't count Naruto) Shinobi, hosting his Pervert Hood gatherings, and reading his perverted books to make _flash cards_ and _lecture notes_. 

Sasuke had a horrible thought: did Kakashi sleep at all? Or was he there all the time, being all -- all -- _perverted_.

He groaned and fought off the urge to cover his face in his hands and pretend this was happening to his very worst enemy -- which, in this very moment in his life was Itachi. Suddenly, Sasuke brightened as small bits and pieces fitted together into a large, vengeful plan. Surely, getting Itachi to join the Pervert Hood wouldn't be that difficult. Surely, Kakashi and Jiraiya would be pleased to have another member, even if that member was a family-murdering bastard who should die for all his crimes.

Rubbing his chin, Sasuke eyed a lecturing Kakashi contemplatively.

"Now, in conclusion, pervertism, while not a mainstream, socially accepted form of recreation, does exist and in what we like to call 'cult-like' groups. Why, a really good example is right here -- look around us!" Kakashi beamed from behind his mask and waved gracefully around the huddled circle of pale-looking people. _Huh. Do I look like I want to vomit too?_ Sasuke thought idly. Not that all of them looked like they were close to passing out -- a couple were paying rapt attention to every word Kakashi said. Jiraiya looked on approvingly as he wrote something (no doubt his latest book) every so often.

"Of course, we don't do the mass suicide thing or the brain washing thing; nor do we do the kidnapping thing --" 

Sasuke (and quite a lot of other people too, he noticed) raised their eyebrows skeptically, and Kakashi amended, "most of the time, but we don't hold you here against your will -- "

Now more glares were thrown into Kakashi's direction, Sasuke's included, though he threw in a hint of Sharingan activation to show his disgruntled rage (he also noticed Neji was scowling with his Byakugan). Hell, even Hinata was shyly glaring through her Byakugan, and if Hinata was this angry then everybody was probably homicidal. Sasuke really hoped they were seeing chakra lines because the alternative (a _naked_ Kakashi) was too terrible to contemplate.

"-- all the time," Kakashi amended again. "There are certain precautions we take, but this is for the good of the Pervert Hood. I guess in some cases, we do follow some cult-like procedures...huh" He trailed off and squinted. 

"Yeah, but do cults get gift baskets?" Jiraiya cut in smugly.

Kakashi nodded, pleased. "That's very true. Why, I have this month's set of Gifts For Perverted Needs right here." He disappeared in a puff of smoke and reappeared again, one hand gripping a brown sack.

"Since Sasuke here is our newest member, we should present him with his gift first," Jiraiya said gleefully.

"You perverted bastard," Sasuke hissed, horrified.

Kakashi coughed. "Let's not get into illegitimacy issues, shall we? I agree with Jiraiya." 

Very quickly, Kakashi dug into his pocket and pulled out a glossy card with Sasuke's full name scrawled in cursive writing on the top; just underneath, Sasuke could see a photo of his scowling self. "Here is your membership card first -- and can we give Sasuke a round of applause for being our newest member?"

There was a dull smatter of clapping hands, perhaps three at most, as Sasuke stared in horrified fascination at the card thrust into his line of sight.

"The hell?" he asked without thinking as he slowly took it from Kakashi's hand.

Kakashi and Jiraiya just beamed as most of the group let out a collective sigh, full of resignation.


End file.
